


Leaving My Life Behind

by Madmanwithanimpala



Category: The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
Genre: Epilogue of sorts, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-04 00:25:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13352631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madmanwithanimpala/pseuds/Madmanwithanimpala
Summary: A continuation of Offred's life after she gets in the van, written in the same style Margaret Atwood used in the novel. It tells the story of Offred's escape from Gilead and how she recorded the tapes.





	Leaving My Life Behind

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this for an English presentation, but figured I might as well post it here too. One day, I want to continue this plot line and go even deeper into the story, but I don't know when that will happen, so for now, this is all there is.

I sit quietly in the back of the van as we speed down the road, two men sit beside me, both are armed. The interior of the van is dimly lit. Only a small amount of sunlight streams in through the tinted windows. At one point in my life, the quiet darkness would have bothered me, but those days are long gone. I actually enjoy the quietness of the dark nowadays. In the dark, no one can hurt you. In the dark, there is no one. You are no one. You are invisible.

The van stopped. We were driving for what I assume has been several hours. It is always difficult for me to tell the passage of time. A man opens the back doors of the van and gestures for me to get out. He is wearing the uniform of an Eye: a black tactical uniform with a winged eye embroidered on the chest pocket. I do not see any weapons on him, but I assume he is also armed. I comply with his request.

“Tell me your name,” he says. I hesitate. Names are powerful. The knowledge of a person’s name, their identity, is powerful. It gives them power over you, it makes you known. They can control you with that power, keep you obedient, docile.

“Offred” I eventually reply, averting my gaze. These people are still strangers. I don’t know who they are or what their intent is. Are they actually Mayday? I want to trust Nick. I want to trust that he wouldn’t betray me, but I can’t. You can’t trust anyone anymore.

“No no no,” he says, shaking his head. “Your real name, the one you had before shit hit the fan.” I look up at the man, surprised by his words. Such language is forbidden nowadays, but they rang with familiarity in my ears. Moira used to always say that.

 

Have you heard? Moira said as soon as I picked up the phone.

Heard what? I replied.

Shit’s hit the fan. Reagan was just assassinated and they machine-gunned Congress. Where have you been?

What? I exclaimed, rushing to turn on the television.

Yeah, she said. Happened less than an hour ago. People still aren’t sure who “they” are, but whoever they are, they’re dangerous. And powerful.

I stood in front of the television, watching in disbelief. The entire government was just gone. How did they get in? How did it happen? What would happen now?

How? I whispered meekly. This all seemed surreal. It couldn’t just be gone, not that easily. Could it?

I don’t know, but we have to prepare ourselves. It’s only going to get worse.

I didn’t believe her then. I thought things would balance out or that someone would intervene. That things would eventually go back to normal. And they did, in a way. But it wasn’t the same as before. Not even close. A new normal was created and it was so far from that which we knew. Would things have turned out differently, if people had said more? Done more? Could things have been different? Could all of this have been prevented?

I wish I had believed her.

 

“My name’s Alexander. We,” he says, gesturing to the two other men, “want to help you. That’s Eli and that’s Zeke. What’s yours?” I hesitate again.

I finally tell them my name. I’m still a bit wary, but I’m also slowly starting to warm up to them. If they had wanted to hurt me, they would have done so already.  
Alexander repeats my name back to me. It has been so long since anyone except Nick had said it to me. It sounds foreign in my ears.

“We’re with Mayday,” Alexander says. “Nick called us.” I let out a breath I hadn’t even realized I had been holding, relief washing over me. Nick hadn’t betrayed me, but that didn’t mean I could fully trust these men yet. I couldn’t let my guard down. Not yet. It was still too dangerous. “We’re going to get you out of the country and we’ll help you get settled someplace safe. It won’t be an easy or comfortable trip, but we promise that you’ll never have to come back to this hell-hole again, deal?” I give a small nod, still struggling to process all of this. It seems like it all happened so fast. One minute I was contemplating suicide. Thinking of all the ways I could kill myself before Serena would have the chance to do so herself. How had things spiraled out of control so quickly? But now, now I could taste the freedom. I was so close. It all seemed surreal, like a dream come true. I stopped myself. That was dangerous thinking. I couldn’t let myself get my hopes up. Not again.

 

Do you think we’ll be okay? I asked Luke, not lifting my eyes from the sandwich I was preparing. We had everything planned, down to the last detail. The passports. The visas. Everything. We were so close. By tomorrow, freedom would be within our reach. But I still couldn’t shake this feeling.

Honestly, Luke sighed, rubbing his hands over his face, I don’t know. But I have to hope. I have to hope that everything will work out because at this point. Luke stopped and took a deep breath. At this point, hope is all we have left. We’re so close. We’re so close to finally being free. I just. He paused again. I have to hope that everything works out because I don’t want to think of what will happen if it doesn’t. I nodded and we went back to preparing the picnic.

Tomorrow we would put everything on the line. We would take our lives and that of our daughter and we would take a leap of faith. We had to hope that we would land safely on the other side. We had to hope that everything would work out.

I wished to God that it had.

 

“Come,” Alexander says, nodding his head towards a small cottage. I hadn’t noticed it when the van first pulled up. It blended into the trees surrounding it, probably intentionally. I follow him and the other men into the cottage.

The interior is small, barely enough room for the four of us. Evening sunlight streams in through a couple medium-sized windows. The walls are chipped and dirty, but I can tell they were originally a pale blue. The living room isn’t much bigger than my room back at the Commander’s house. A black sofa, two chairs, and a coffee table take up most of the space. Underneath the table, a stack of books lays nearly hidden by the shadow of the couch. I stop dead in my tracks. What kind of house are we in that keeps books in as obvious a place as that? Why are they kept there in the first place? Although I know it’s forbidden, I yearn to rush over to the pile. Open the first book and devour the words that have been so long deprived to me. I take a step forward. I’m with Mayday and Alexander promised he would keep me safe. Would he really object to me looking at one? I hear footsteps behind me and quickly turn around, startled. It’s Eli. I feel my face heat in embarrassment and shame. How could I be so naive as to think I would finally be allowed to read?

“You know, we wouldn’t be opposed if you wanted to read one of those,” he says, walking over to me. “You’re free now, you don’t have to follow any of Gilead’s laws anymore.” I hesitate briefly before taking a seat on the couch and picking up the first book in the pile. It’s one I’ve never heard of, but I open it to the first page.

“Just so you know,” Eli says. A bit awkwardly I think. As if he’s never talked to someone like me before. “We’re all going to spend the night here, in this safe house. Then, early tomorrow morning, we’re going to head out again. The plan currently is for us to smuggle you aboard a cargo ship along with several other refugees tomorrow night. From there, you’ll sail to Germany. We have some associates there who will help you get settled and start your new life.”

I nod, mulling the plan over in my head. It seems so simple, almost too simple. I didn’t doubt that we would likely experience problems at some point along the way.

“Thank you,” I say. Eli gives a small smile before leaving the room. I turn back to my book, relishing the sense of freedom and power I receive from it.

 

We depart the safe house before sunrise the next morning. I ride in the back again with Eli and Zeke, but I feel much more relaxed than I had the day before. Although it has been less than 24 hours since I first met them, I was slowly starting to trust them. I think deep down they remind me of Luke.  
He was always very protective of me and our daughter. Not in a condescending way, I think he was just protective in nature. He was always afraid to let me walk anywhere by myself, especially at night. He was always reluctant to let our daughter play at another person’s house. He was always afraid that something would happen to us. It only got worse after everything changed. I always found it a bit annoying. I always argued that I was capable of taking care of myself, but looking back, I miss it. All he wanted was to keep us safe. He cared about us. He cared about me. I miss having someone care about what happens to me. I miss having someone care about me. I miss Luke. Once I leave Gilead, there’s no coming back. I wish he could come with me. I wish I could at least see him, just one last time. But deep down, I know that it’s impossible. For all I know, he’s dead. Or worse.

 

It had taken me a few days to adjust. Life at the center was drastically different from life before. I longed to see Luke, to see my daughter, but I had to remain strong. The only way for me to survive was to stay strong. I had to keep the dark thoughts out of my head. I had seen what happens when you let the bad thoughts get to you.

It was my second day at the center. I was in the Cafeteria, silently eating my lunch with everyone else. A young woman a few tables away was muttering to herself. I was too far away to hear what she was saying, but she was shaking. I could see tears streaming down her face. Everyone whispered to one another, interested in this break from pattern. The Aunts looked over disapprovingly.

Suddenly, the woman let loose a primordial scream and fell to the floor. We all looked on in shock. I could see blood pooling around her shaking body. Where it came from, I don’t know. The Aunts surged forward and carried the woman out. Less than a minute later, someone was in to clean up the blood. In less than five minutes, there was never any sign that the woman had been here at all.

We never saw or heard from that woman again. They said that she had stolen a knife from the kitchen and used it to slit her own wrists. Some said that she had just gone crazy. Others said that she had found out her son died. They say that she couldn’t take it. That she had felt responsible. They say that she wasn’t strong enough.

Let this be a warning to all, Aunt Lydia announced from the stage at the front of the room. Only the strong will succeed here.

From that moment on, I vowed to be strong. I vowed to push down any weaknesses until I could be strong enough to succeed. Not at the Red Center, but beyond. I vowed to be strong enough to one day find Luke. I vowed to be strong enough to one day find my daughter. If only I had found my strength sooner.

 

“We’re here,” Zeke announces after what must’ve been more than twelve hours. He and Eli open the doors and help me out of the van. It’s almost as dark outside the van as it is inside. The crescent moon provides little light for us to see by and only a handful of street lights are lit. A gust of wind blows past me and I hunch my shoulders against the chill. Eli notices and pulls a blanket out of the van for me. I nod my thanks and wrap it tightly around my shoulders. Alexander is talking with a group of men several yards away. A handful of women are already huddled together aboard the ship.

“You’re all set,” Alexander says, walking over to us. “This boat will take you and all the other women to Germany, where you’ll be free to live your lives as you please. We wish you a safe trip and all the best in your new life.”

“Thank you,” I say, not quite sure how to express my gratitude, “for everything.” The three men smile as I walk towards the boat.

“Hey,” Eli says, grabbing my arm. I watch Zeke and Alexander walk back to the van. “If you ever need anything, this is where you can find me.” He hands me a small slip of paper with an address on it; somewhere in Bangor, Maine. I fold the slip of paper and place it in my pocket.

“Thank you,” I say sincerely. I hope that I’ll never be put in a position where I’ll need to use it, but I appreciate the gesture.

“You should probably get going,” he says. I can see a hint of red on his cheeks. I nod.

“Goodbye, Eli,” I say before walking away. The captain introduces himself and helps me onto the boat.

As the boat pulls away from the dock, I catch my last glimpse of Gilead. Deep down, I know that I’ll never return. I’ll start my new life and eventually, I’ll be happy.

 

A couple days into the trip, I find an old tape recorder and a handful of unused cassette tapes. An idea comes to me and I finally realize what I am meant to do.

 

Now that my story has been told, I will ask the captain to bring these tapes back to Gilead and give them to Eli. He will know the right thing to do with them. And now that I have said goodbye, I will begin my new life, but I will never forget those I left behind.


End file.
